As we move through the holiday season, you may be wondering how to handle interactions with your Narcissistic Ex-, so here are five things that you can say:

1. Nothing
2. Nothing
3. Nothing
4. Nothing
5. Nothing

Seriously.

If there’s any way to avoid interaction with your Narcissistic Ex-, that would be the best possible thing for you. But I do realize that many of us share children and fur children with our exes and may actually need to speak with them. The word “need” can be taken with a grain of salt since we may not actually “need” to speak with them at all, but instead envision things going more smoothly if we make an attempt to communicate. Let’s be real- no matter how hard you try, communication with your Narcissistic ex- will probably be a challenge no matter what.

So, in the event that you must communicate with your Narcissistic Ex- during the holidays, here are a few tips for boundary management:

1. For those who share children with a Narcissistic ex-, please make plans to have separate holiday celebrations! It is far less toxic for you and for your children to have two sets of holidays rather than exposing everyone to what will be a challenging gathering if you opt to spend the holiday together. In the event that your Narcissist Ex- suggests that it would be “better for the kids” if you share the celebration, ground yourself and then calmly share, “I totally get where you’re coming from, but I think it will be easier on all of us if we just get used to spending our holidays separately,” and duck, because he’s not gonna like your answer and will respond with a myriad of critical answers.
2. For those who share children with a Narcissistic ex-, be aware that whatever rules have been made, your ex- will try to break, even if it’s been decided by the court. So, when he asks to change the pick-up time or day, try taking a deep breath and stating, “I recognize that that might be easier for you, but I’d like to stick with the schedule assigned by the court,” then duck, because he will definitely have a nasty comment in response (BTW- he’s always going to have a nasty response to whatever you say).
3. For those of you who may have brief communication during child exchanges (always bring the kids’ bags down before he is due to arrive and let them know five minutes beforehand to get their butts to the front door), remember to take a deep breath, plants some roots and set your boundaries gently but firmly. When your Ex- asks if you’ve started dating again, recognize that this is a trap. There is no answer in which you disclose personal information that will go smoothly. Instead, try sharing that “I’ve been enjoying the company of friends lately” and duck, because again, he will probably deliver a nastygram just for the hell of it. Even if you have a fabulous new relationship, that is none of your ex-‘s business: learning anything about the new lover will just inflame your Ex- so keep it to yourself.
4. For those who have Narcissistic Ex-‘s who enjoy drunk dialing, you may receive a late night text encouraging you to take some responsibility for the failure of the relationship. Again, this is a trap and can really wreak havoc with your sense of reality. This form of gaslighting has no positive end- even if your Ex- tells you that he loves you and wants to get back with you, if only you’d apologize for the 1000 things you did wrong in the relationship. Usually this kind of communication occurs when your Ex-‘s new hook-up fails and he “needs” you. Keep the response simple and boundaried, “I realize that you and I have very different ideas about why our relationship ended. I can respect your right to your opinion, but at this point, I think we’re better off separate,” and, as always, duck and wait for it, because his response will be a zinger.
5. For those who may not share children with the Ex-, it is possible that you’ll run into one another during the holidays. Should that occur, keep it simple and, you got it, boundaried. Make sure that you’ve already identified your escape route (whether you’re by yourself or with friends or a new lover) so that you can be gracious, wish him Happy Holidays (only if he engages with you) and then EXIT. Less ducking if you’re not in his sites.

As always, I’d suggest the first 5 suggests (Say NOTHING), but, if need be, insert any of the above responses as necessary and do something therapeutic afterwards!

I wish you the happiest of holidays, and if you come across any of these situations and need support, just DM, email or reach out to me at SageBreslin.com!